I’ve reached Zen

From the very first day of this year, I’ve felt like I was on overdrive.  Suddenly the zen wave I had been riding crashed – hard.  Other families’ cases started moving and I felt like we were being left behind.  I started to become anxious about how things were progressing. I think that our agency worker has heard from me more in the last 8 weeks than she had in the last 18 months.  Last week I took a stand with myself.  The conversation went a little like this:

Me:  OMG this is taking for-ever!

Myself:  It’s totally out of your hands so why are you stressing?

Me:  I heard a rumor his paperwork was done – maybe the referral will come today!

Myself:  And if it doesn’t, maybe it will be next week, or the week after.  You can be sure it will be some week – and when he’s 18, those few weeks will be a drop in the bucket.  Just relax.

Me:  What if his referral is just sitting at the agency and no one is seeing it??

Myself:  It’s not.  When it gets there, or they hear something about it, they’ll let you know.

Me:  How do you know that for sure?!

I:  What if it never happens?!?!  Like never?!

Myself:  I, you need to relax!

I:  But what if they finish his study and find him unadoptable and we lose him?!  Or what if they think our family is too big and don’t approve our files to be matched?!?

Myself:  That’s not going to happen and you know that.  I can’t even talk to you two any more.

Me is super impatient.  I is annoyingly paranoid.  Myself is in zen-mode.  I’ve been all 3 characters in the last couple of weeks.  Going into this week, I am Myself.  Zen Mode 100%.

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Last week, when I was at the height of my crazy rantings, I had to break out a little and took almost 2 days off of adoption talk.  I stopped reading blogs, I stopped thinking about posting in my blog, I stopped talking about adoption with any of my friends.  By the morning of the 3rd day, I was able to go the whole day without obsessively checking my email or stalking other bloggers for progress. This week I think I’m going to be able to ride this wave again.

7/52: Family Time

For the last several years we have been getting movie tickets from our local $2 theater through our kids’ school.  Each group of tickets is good for 10 movies, a different designated one each week, that are geared towards kids.  Each single ticket is good for one kid and 2 adults for free!  With each group only costing $7, going to the movies to see second-run kid movies will cost as little as $0.24 each person!  What a steal!  For $21 we have fun for 10 weeks.  Sunday movies have become a tradition at our house during their spring and fall runs.  The Hubs and I bring our insulated coffee mugs and enjoy their house mochas – which are awesome – while the kids snack on their kid-packs.

This week was the first week of their spring group – Megamind.  The kids have seen it before but it does not diminish the fun of seeing it in the theater with popcorn and lemonaid.  This week’s photo is kindda dark but what do you expect from the inside of a theater?

6/52: Comfort Food

The Hubs and I have never really been ones to celebrate things like Valentines Day.  I’m not really the romantic type and The Hubs can be a bit of an over-spender (love ya babe!)  So we just let the kids celebrate at school and leave it at that.  This year, he talked me into going to a fancy brunch this weekend.  It was alright…..it was one of those place there they only serve one menu and there is no customization of your food in any way.  People love that kind of menu but I’m one that needs my food in a particular way.  I like my eggs poached/fried HARD and I like my meat to come from the pieces of the animal that I can healthily imagine eating (no feet, tail, brain, etc.)  So imagine my distress when the menu consisted of both of those items:  poached egg with pig trotters and tails.  You’ll be happy to know that I ate it.  I ate it and I smiled while I did – I did not want The Hubs to be the one sitting with THAT girl.  As my reward, our final course for the meal was a Truffle Cake.   It was like the universe was telling me, “You’ve been a good sport.”  OH GOODNESS it was good.  Almost made the rest of it worth it.

This weekend, my heart was comforted by this cake.  This yummy, yummy, cake.

Shame on me.

I long for the day when this blog can be used for family stuff, as I intended, instead of my obsessive adoption ranting.  Sadly for you at this moment, this is all I have to offer – not only in blogger land, but in every day life too.  Today while talking to another AP/PAP we were discussing her hope that they will be presented at committee tomorrow, I actually emailed her the number of hours until the work day started in Thailand.  Seriously.  I’ve now gone so far as to attempt to spread my obsession to other people!  What is wrong with me?!  She wasn’t counting the hours – she was probably just quietly hoping that they would get a call from our agency tomorrow giving them the good news, but instead I had to get precise with them and give them something to think about.  Shame. On. Me.

I’m bound and determined to become the person that other people avoid at parties.  You know the type – the person that has only one topic to talk about and constantly beats that topic into the ground.  That’s me.

(For the record, good luck Chelsea and fam!!  I hope tomorrow is your day.)

5/52: Traditions

Chúc Mừng Năm Mới

Every year for Tet our family gets together for a special dinner with several local APs.  The Hubs forgot my camera at home so I had to take some grainy photos with my phone.  This is my buddy, Melissa, and her daughter, Lucy, and her hubby, Matt’s arm.  As you can see, Lucy was really digging her rice.

Natalie and her fam were there, Shali and her fam were there, and sadly Julie was greatly missed.  We’re hoping to make it a regular thing but really, we say that every year.  When you have the schedules of an artist, lawyer, graphic designer, teacher, energy planner, city developer, scientist, and 9 kids between us to arrange, it’s not surprising that we only get all together once a year.

Happy year of the Cat everyone!  (Or year of the Rabbit, if you’re into that kindda thing. 😉 )

A different kind of envy….

I’m not afraid to admit that some times I get envious when people have things I wish I could have – the big houses, the nice vacations, the independent wealth to afford such things, etc. – if you don’t believe me just see the post from last week.  Personally, I think envy is a natural emotion that people feel far too much shame for.  It’s natural to see something that someone else has and wish that you had it too.

However, lately I’m feeling the kind of envy that I do feel ashamed for.  Approvals, travel dates, referrals, completed histories, etc., the more I see them, the more envious I become.  It so wrong!  I should not feel this way!  I should feel excited for these families – excited for these kids who finally get to travel home, but it’s so tough for me.  21 months ago we started the adoption process and 17 months ago we first saw King’s face, never once thinking that we’d sit here today still wondering what was going on.  Days come and go and in turn so does my “adoption zen”.  I try to bide my time searching for King’s photo among the many volunteer blogs, and learning what I can about attachment and older child adoption, which helps, but then I check my adoption forums and the blogs of fellow APs and my heart sinks with the announcements of progress.  I want so badly to have that same news!  But here we wait.  I know they’ve waited too, and probably for as long or longer than we have, but like I said before, envy is a natural emotion and not one that is easily controlled – as hard as I try.

If your blog is one of the ones that has recently been rocked with awesome news – I’m so sorry for being envious of you.  I’m so sorry that the excitement I should feel (and usually feign) is poisoned by that ill-placed envy.  I’ve recently met some great women who deserve much more than I’ve been able to give them and I hope they understand.  I hope that they will forgive me.

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